by Orlando d. on I think I may have gotten laid that night, I'm not completely sure. I was here this past weekend while on a trip to San Francisco to visit my sister. My sis and I started getting loaded at some gay bar in Castro, I forgot what it was called but I remember being disappointed that it wasn't some stereotypically gay name straight out of a movie, like "The Man-Hole" or "Bear's Bar". Barkeep gave me two drinks when I ordered gin and I was flattered since I thought he was trying to turn a straight guy, but I later saw on the screen that shit was 2-for-1 and got a little sad. After that we went to a restaurant in North Beach owned by some Italian dude that turns half the place into a club. I didn't eat, I drank. I mention all this so you all realize how trashed I was by the time I got to Vessel. I was in line for the restroom in this place and some shitfaced Japanese girl starts hitting on me. What the hell was her name, Tokogecko? Tageki? I don't know dude, it started with a T then she'd start slurring and trying to kiss my neck. Knew that girl for all of 38 seconds and already she's looking for, as Ludacris puts it, "dick." Wait, a lot of people put it that way. Fast forward, like, 20 minutes, and we end up in some club where someone in our party gets some dude from the 49ers kicked off a table to make room for us. I don't remember what it was called, sorry, at this point I'm inebriated beyond recognition. In our party was this girl, real nice, knows every bouncer, cabbie, owner, bartender, DJ, dubious vagrant, etc. in the city because it turns out she used to be a promoter. She takes me to the dance floor then takes me out of the club. She decides to take it upon herself to show me that clubs in San Francisco aren't as lame as I was expecting coming from Miami where everything DOESN'T FUCKING CLOSE AT 2 AM. Obviously, I go with her, because fuck yeah. This is where the last bit of alcohol I just drank starts kicking in. I'm gonna be honest, I don't remember which one out of the 5 or so places she takes me to after hopping in a cab. All I know is God damn there are a lot of Asians that like to dance. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation, I'm down with the Asian Invasion or whatever, I had a good time at that Chinese New Year celebration thing in Chinatown. Anyway, I've heard people talk about this place like it's the shit and there was one club we went to that I vaguely remember liking so I'm assuming this is it. Also, this is the only club name I remember from the trip so it's the one I'm going to write about. While at Vessel (I think?) the girl I'm with goes off to talk to someone and within seconds another Asian girl starts hitting on me. This sort of attention would've been awesome back when I watched anime and had yellow fever. That's another thing, you girls in San Francisco aren't stuck-up bitch cunts like your Miami counterparts. Props on that, and also props on having In-N-Outs. The burgers, not the Castro population. After the clubs we head back to her place, which I don't remember doing. I wake up in my underwear on her bed and ask her as smoothly as I possibly can, "hey, did we, uh..." and she says no. My lack of morning wood says otherwise, but she has no reason to lie. Now all I need is to track down the pictures of that night so I can piece it together like an alcoholic Memento. PEOPLE WHO WOULD ENJOY IT: Anyone who likes to party then be in bed before Carson Daly's shitty late-night show is on. PEOPLE WHO WOULD NOY ENJOY IT: Everyone else.
by Muchin K. on So last night, I met THE worse bartender in the world at this place. I was meeting some friends there, and made it 20 mins before happy hour ended. I rushed to the bar, and there was an old dude behind the bar wiping some cups. He obviously saw me, but was talking to other people, completely ignored me. 5 mins later, me still trying to get his attention, he turns around and asked this girl who came after me, "what can I get you?" REALLY? I thought for sure he was a bar back, cuz they're not allowed to serve drinks, that would explain the reason why he was wiping the cups and not taking my orders. But NOOO! So anyways, I ordered my drink. While I was waiting, a guy came behind me and ordered 4 margaritas. The bartender says, "I can only make 2 at a time". O...kay... then make 2, and then 2 more!!! ?? WTF? and he was trying to make a margarita in a martini shaker!? hello? put 4 glasses out, put ice in it, fill it with tequila and mixer, squeeze a lime and straw, viola! While he's making the margarita, (my 95 year old grandpa pours tea faster then he pours tequila by the way) I decided to order some food: "excuse me, can I order some food?" "yes, but I'm doing something... oh, hang on..." a busboy came by the bar, the bartender told him to take my order. Gave the order to the busboy who was obviously confused by my "a turkey burger with no mayo, and salad instead of fries." I had to repeat my order 3 times. I have been to a lot of bars in my time, and most bartenders can make a drink, while taking 5 other orders and get everyone's drinks/food correct. WTF is up with this guy? Would've given it a 1 star, but turkey burger was good, for that, 2 stars.
